Sometimes you only really understand a situation or relationship when you take distance.
I had this friend who was the only person I was meeting during the quarentine. She is single just like me, and I could trust her to be sensible in terms of safety protocols. This mutual support was really important at the beginning of the pandemic, and I'm grateful
we shared impressions and fears, because it helped me understand my processes. We even had some fun.
There were, of course, some moments when we disagreed, but nothing severe, although she's much more aggressive in her opinions than me. I mean, I have strong opinions, but I'm soft to communicate them, I think I don't sound superior or closed to change.
I'm also not too attached to winning and being the head of a relationship, although I've atracted this kind of people throughout my life. And it happened once again with her. I first realized this when she pressured me to travel to the beach, three weekends in a row. I have dogs, I'm out of money, I'm affraid of exposing myself to the virus. And I didn't want to go, simply. But she insisted on and on.
When someone doesn't take my no, that's when I become difficult. I start to avoid the person, I show my stubborness, and I begin to see their flaws as unbearable.
And I came to realize she gets even more obstinate when she's not able to convince other person to do whatever she wants. She really needs a mirror. For instance, she's thinking about leaving the country to live in England, and she fantasizes that I'll follow her in that dream. It's so strong that she even inquired me about an actual plan! That kind of person that makes you feel less active in life - her incredible plans versus your lack of iniciative.
Fact is I need mirrors less and less. Since September I've started to turn inside, and look into my personal issues with an open heart. I don't need to run away or distract myself. That's become a natural opposition between us, but she understands it as betrayal.
The day before yesterday, I gave in to meet her, after four months. The chat was nice at the beginning, but she said some things, dissolved in the conversation, which I understood as provocations. I'm sure she wanted me to explain my absense. Explaining, most of times, put you in a position of debt, I've learned that the hard way. So I refuse it.
I left her place much sooner than I used to, not giving in to alcohol and gossip, and drove back home owning myself. I had this insight: it was just like whenever I meet my ex-husband, and he tries to seduce me the same old ways, as if I hadn't moved on. It's interesting because my freedom becomes palpable, but it's also boring.