Write & Correct
English

Coda part 2

Aside from emotional and technical matters, it is essential to highlight how "CODA" raises awareness to the deaf community, showcasing day-to-day life conflicts and depicturing predicaments they face whether they are just doing their job or going to the doctor. At work, people commonly want to rip them off, buying their fish for a lower price. At the doctor, they have to take their daughter to interpret their diseases because our medical education is made solely for hearing people. Particularly, this doctor scene struck me, once I am a medical student, and since I started college I have not seen any attention to the deaf community or other disabled people. There is something incredibly wrong with our education and it's high time to figure this out and change our educational system.
In addition to it, the film shows the importance of having deaf actors and deaf artists on the media, as they got valuable lessons to teach us and they are artists like any other artist and deserve to be recognized and valued.
Therefore, "Coda" is authentic and inspirational, simple, and a powerhouse of a movie.

Posted

Corrections

Candice
Coda part 2
Aside from emotional and technical matters, it is essential to highlight how "CODA" raises awareness to for the deaf community, showcasing the day-to-day life conflicts and depicturing depicting predicaments they face whether when they are just doing their job or going to the doctor. At work, people commonly want It is common place for people to rip them off take advantage of hearing impaired individuals at work for example , buying their fish for a lower price. At When going to the doctor, doctors' they have to take bring a close relative such as their daughter to interpret their diseases because our since medical education is made solely for only facilitates (takes into consideration) hearing people. Particularly In particular , this doctor scene struck left a lasting impression on me , once I am a . As in the past, working as medical student , and since I started starting college I have , there has not seen been any noticeable attention to brought towards the deaf community or other disabled people. There Therefore, this lack of interest in catering towards the small community of hearing impaired people prove that there is something incredibly intrinsically wrong with our education system and it's high time to figure this out and change our educational system. . (instead of saying "in addition" makes this another point or argument in the essay)
In addition to it this , the film shows the importance of having media representation of hearing impaired people by pushing hte spotlight to deaf actors and deaf artists on the media , as they have got valuable lessons to teach us and they are artists like any other artist and they deserve to be recognized and valued.
Therefore, "Coda" is authentic and inspirational, simple, and a powerhouse of a movie.


Tips: Avoid using personal pronouns in your essay like, I, me , our and we as they infringe on your credibility as a writing. When writing instead use quotes and examples to support your point instead of personal anecdotes. While they might help with the concreteness of your writing it must be carefully done to ensure that your point is not weakened. Also, in addition to this make sure to not use contractions of words like isn't or haven't since this makes your writing sound informal. Use synonym everywhere in essay writing always look for stronger words, don't be afraid to shorten sentences because this might make your tone sound more assertive and conclusive. A perfect example of where i did this to your writing is when I altered your previous sentence to this, "Therefore, this lack of interest in catering towards the small community of hearing impaired people prove that there is something intrinsically wrong with our education system and it's high time to figure this out ."
All in all I quite enjoyed your short extract and thought it was sufficient, I hope you do continue on your language learning journey and continue improving in the future. :)
Posted

Comment(s)

I appreciate your tips Candice! Thank you so much. However, there is something I did not understand. My point is, I am a medical student yet, as I tried to say it in the text. So, did you think I am not anymore? Because when I was writing your correction seemed like you thought I was not. Either way, I'm really thankful for your help :)
Posted 
Feedback