Write & CorrectEnglish
A poluted river
There's a river in my city, a huge one, it actually crosses São Paulo and goes beyond it to other cities. When I was born it was already really poluted, and I grew up with the promise it would some day be a pleasant place again, although it seems impossible: the Tietê is just a detail in the face of other urgencies and unfair facts of this metropolis.
Nobody even talks about it! You have the impression it has always been like this, for ages at least, but it's not true: my father's generation used the river as a river!
He's told me many stories about rowing contests and swimming, about how my mother used to gather with other girls on a bridge to cheer him when he was passing under it with his boat. He even almost drowned in the river in a rainy day.
I dream of picnics and sunsets on its banks, but it seems this is not the mindset in this sad city.
Posted
Comment(s)
I would recommend that you write in shorter sentences. Do not connect so many parts together with commas (,), and especially not with colons (:). Use periods (.) and start a new sentence. Much easier to read.
Posted
I see that you have received many corrections, which is fine. However, I am impressed that you chose to write so much in English. I understood you, and you communicated your ideas well. Many native speakers of English do not write it well with all its fine points. Good work on this! I hope you are encouraged to keep writing.
Posted
I just wanted to add that I really enjoyed the "voice" of your piece of writing. It had a nice informal feel. It seems to me where your English was weak was when you wrote more formal sentences (e.g. the Tietê is just a detail in the face of other urgencies and unfair facts of this metropolis). When you talked about your family, your writing really shone. I feel some of the corrections provided, while grammatically correct, have removed some of your voice. Bron.Forman is the best correction in my opinion as the piece of writing still sounds like you.
Posted
Corrections
A
poluted
polluted
river
There's a river in my city, a huge one, it actually crosses São Paulo and goes beyond it to other cities. When I was born
,
it was already really
poluted
polluted
, and I grew up with the promise it would some day be a pleasant place again, although it seems impossible: the Tietê is just a detail in the face of other urgencies and unfair facts of this metropolis.
Nobody even talks about it! You have the impression it has always been like this, for ages at least, but it's not true: my father's generation used the river as a river!
He's told me many stories about rowing contests and swimming, about how my mother used to gather with other girls on a bridge to cheer him on when he was passing under it with his boat. He even almost drowned in the riverin
on
a rainy day.
I dream of picnics and sunsets on its banks, but it seems this is not the mindset in this sad city.
Nobody even talks about it! You have the impression it has always been like this, for ages at least, but it's not true: my father's generation used the river as a river!
He's told me many stories about rowing contests and swimming, about how my mother used to gather with other girls on a bridge to cheer him on when he was passing under it with his boat. He even almost drowned in the river
I dream of picnics and sunsets on its banks, but it seems this is not the mindset in this sad city.
Posted
A
poluted
polluted
river
There's a river in my city, a huge one, it actually crosses São Paulo and goes beyond it to other cities. When I was born it was already really
poluted
polluted
, and I grew up
with
hearing
the promise it would some day be a pleasant place again, although
it
that
now
seems impossible: the Tietê is just a detail in the face of other
urgencies
and
unfair
facts
more
pressing
matters
of this metropolis
.
with its many injustices
Nobody even talks about it!
any more.
You
have
get
the impression it has always been like this, for ages at least, but it's not true: my father's generation used the river as a river!
He's told me many stories about rowing contests and swimming, about how my mother used to gather with other girls on a bridge to cheer him when he was passing under it with his boat. He even almost drowned in the riverin
a
one
rainy day.
I dream of picnics and sunsets on its banks, but it seems thisis
not
the
mindset
in
this sad city
sad
city
has
given
up
hope
.
Nobody even talks about it
He's told me many stories about rowing contests and swimming, about how my mother used to gather with other girls on a bridge to cheer him when he was passing under it with his boat. He even almost drowned in the river
I dream of picnics and sunsets on its banks, but it seems this
Posted
A poluted river
Hi Valeria,
In other languages we prefer to write in longer sentences. Speaking from my own experience with spanish, I can relate to your style of writing. That said, when writing in English, it's better to have fewer of these run-on sentences as they call it. I'll make a few corrections. The content is excellent and your spelling is almost perfect. It's only the syntax of the sentences that need a different feeling for the English language.
There's a huge river in my city,
a
huge
one, it actually
.
The
river
crosses São Paulo and goes beyond
it
to other cities. When I was born it was already really
poluted,
and
polluted.
I grew up with the promise
that
it would
some day
be a pleasant place again
,
although
it
seems impossible:
someday.
Sadly,
the Tietê is
just
but
a
small
detail in the face of other
urgencies
and
unfair facts of
matters
within
this metropolis.
Nobodyeven
talks about it! You
have
get
the impression it has always been like this,
for ages at least,
but
it's not true:
my father's generation used the river as
was intended. Simply as
a river!
He's
told me many stories about rowing contests and swimming, about how my mother used to gather with other girls
on a bridge
to cheer him
when
on
just as
he was passing under
it
a
bridge
with his boat. He
even
almost drowned
once
in
the
that
same
river
in
on
a rainy day.
I dream of a day with picnics and sunsets onits
the
banks
,
but
it
seems
this
is
of
the
Tiete.
Unfortunately,
the
city does
not
share
the
same
mindset
in
this
sad
city.
.
Well
done!
You're
doing great!
In other languages we prefer to write in longer sentences. Speaking from my own experience with spanish, I can relate to your style of writing. That said, when writing in English, it's better to have fewer of these run-on sentences as they call it. I'll make a few corrections. The content is excellent and your spelling is almost perfect. It's only the syntax of the sentences that need a different feeling for the English language.
There's a huge river in my city
Nobody
He
I dream of a day with picnics and sunsets on
Posted
A
poluted
river
Polluted
River
There's a
huge
river in my city
,
a
huge one, it actually
that
crosses São Paulo and goes beyond it to other cities. When I was born
,
it was already really
poluted,
and
polluted.
I grew up
with
the promise
hoping
it would some day be a pleasant place again, although it
seems
seemed
impossible
:
.
Restoring
the Tietê
River
is
just
a
detail
in
the face of
low
priority
compared
to
other urgencies
and
unfair facts of
in
this metropolis. Nobody even talks about it!
You
have
Seeing
it
leaves
the impression
that
it has
always
been like this
,
for ages
at least
, but it's not true
:
-
my father's generation used the river as a river! He's told me many stories about rowing contests
,
swimming
and
swimming,
about how my mother used to gather with other girls on a bridge to cheer him
on
when he was passing under it with his boat. He even almost drowned in the river
in
on
a rainy day. I dream of picnics and sunsets on its banks, but
it
seems
this
is
not
that
doesn't
seem
to
be
the mindset
in
of
this sad city.
Edited
A
poluted
polluted
river
There's a river in my city, a huge one, it actually crosses São Paulo and goes beyond it to other cities. When I was born
,
it was already really
poluted,
and
polluted.
And
I grew up with the promise it would
some
day
someday
be a pleasant place again, although it seems impossible
:
the
.
The
Tietê is just a detail in the face of other urgencies and unfair facts of this metropolis. Nobody even talks about it! You have the impression it has always been like this, for ages at least
,
but
.
But
it's not true
:
,
my father's generation used the river as a river! He
's
told me many stories about rowing contests and swimming, about how my mother used to gather with other girls on a bridge to cheer him when he was passing under it with his boat. He even almost drowned in the river
in
on
a rainy day. I dream of picnics and sunsets on its banks, but it seems this is not the mindset in this sad city.
Edited
A
poluted
polluted
river
There's a river in my city
,
—
a huge one
,
it
—which
actually crosses São Paulo and goes beyond it to other cities. When I was born it was already really
poluted
polluted
, and I grew up with the promise it would some day be a pleasant place again, although it seems impossible
:
the
.
The
Tietê is just a detail in the face of other
urgencies
urgent
and unfair facts of this metropolis.
Nobody even talks about it! You have the impression it has always been like this, for ages at least, but it's not true:
my
.
My
father's generation used the river as a river!
He's told me many stories about rowing contests , and swimming, and about how my mother used to gather with other girls on a bridge to cheer him when he was passing under it with his boat. He even almost drowned in the riverin
on
a rainy day.
I dream of picnics and sunsets on its banks, but it seems this is not the mindset in this sad city.
Nobody even talks about it! You have the impression it has always been like this, for ages at least, but it's not true
He's told me many stories about rowing contests , and swimming, and about how my mother used to gather with other girls on a bridge to cheer him when he was passing under it with his boat. He even almost drowned in the river
I dream of picnics and sunsets on its banks, but it seems this is not the mindset in this sad city.
Posted
A poluted river
There
's
is
a
huge
river in my city,
a huge one,
it actually crosses São Paulo and goes beyond
it
to other cities. When I was born it was already
really
poluted, and I grew up with the
promise
hope
that
it would some day be a pleasant place again, although it seems impossible: the Tietê is
just
only
a detail in the face of other urgencies and unfair facts of this metropolis.
Nobodyeven
talks about it!
You
They
have the impression
of
it
has
always been like this, for ages at least, but it's not true: my father's generation used the river as
a river
well
!
He's told me many stories about rowing contests and swimming, about how my motherused
to
would
gather with other girls on a bridge to cheer him when he was passing under it with his boat. He
even
almost drowned in the river
in
on
a rainy day.
I dream of picnics and sunsets on its banks, but it seems like this is not the mindset in this sad city.
Nobody
He's told me many stories about rowing contests and swimming, about how my mother
I dream of picnics and sunsets on its banks, but it seems like this is not the mindset in this sad city.
Posted
A
poluted
polluted
river
There's a river in my city, a huge one
,
it
.
It
actually crosses São Paulo and goes beyond it to other cities. When I was born
,
it was already really
poluted,
and
polluted.
And
I grew up with the promise it would
some
day
someday
be a pleasant place again
,
although
.
Although
it seems impossible
:
,
the Tietê is just a detail in the face of other urgencies and unfair facts of this metropolis.
Nobody even talks about it! You have the impression it has always been like this, for ages at least,
but
.
But
it's not true
:
my
.
My
father's generation used the river as a river!
He's
told me many stories about rowing contests and swimming
,
about
.
About
how my mother used to gather with other girls on a bridge to cheer him when he was passing under it with his boat. He even almost drowned in the river
in
on
a rainy day.
I dream of picnics and sunsets on its banks,
but it seems this is not the mindset in this sad city.
Nobody even talks about it! You have the impression it has always been like this, for ages at least
He
I dream of picnics and sunsets on its banks
Posted